Accepting Comments on my Composition "Words"

[Doug Sedgwick]

1) This was one of those bolt of lightning things that came in a rush (mostly).
2) I am a guitarist / bassist. I have never written a complete vocal song on keys.
3) My religious persuasion is Unitarian Universalist. I shocked myself somewhat w/ the "Jesus" references - but at the time I wrote/sang it - I felt it.
4) After I had finished singing the entire number, I realized I wanted a second voice in there, and I turned to a friend who has one of the most soulful voices I know: Daniel "DiEL" Lee - who actually recorded his part from Baton Rouge, and I pulled the wave file in from where he posted it on the web. (Sidenote: I GREATLY admire the songwriting work Daniel has done and will talk to him about this site when I get a chance!)
5) Prior to this point NO-ONE I've asked elsewhere has gotten back to me on feedback; I will allow I MAY have waded out too far. I can accept the criticisms, if someone wants to offer.
6) But further defending myself, I guess I have to add: I have ALWAYS pushed myself to write along (maybe OVER) the edge of comfort. I hate to be constrained by ONE genre.

The lyrics follow:

Words (Doug Sedgwick)

So who in the world put our feet in this place
Outrageous and wonderful shining a sun in our face
So tragic and awful letting our lives go to waste
Before I was bitter there was no room for that taste

Words are inadequate, and words are my friends
I'm climbing up phrases from a source without end
We're ruled by these words

Outside of my window I can see dirt growing dry
Weather extreme in betrayal has wrecked every sky
I'm clutching a wellspring of goodness still crying inside
For all of our moments of waking we have to decide

Words are magnificent, dancing and lyrical bright love
When hopes are their feeblest all these expressions rise up
And someone hears words

When questions of judgment jump up to weaken my faith
I look in the eyes of my family and re-learn my place
Invisible wires are winding through hubs in our face
God is the network connecting the full human race

Words tear the fabric and let the blood stain our souls
Words eluding their meanings until our fingers let go
Words that live in this moment when only my true feelings show
Tearful reliving a death of a mother at night so we'd know
Your mouth will make words

So please be my friend and I will help smiles gain light
I love every flavor of people who live in my life
The planets will circles so we will have space to collide
Then love is an answer and death is an evil denied

Words, words, words, words...

(I sing the words, I sing the words, yeah...)
Tipping time like a clock on it's side, little rattles hitting plastic cups on a car ride
Diamond hard in a tupperware bowl taking broken glass on a climb in the snow
Shaking line frames, don't avoid the fight: Jesus wants to teach you to live your life right
I'm still a hyporite hanging on a crutch terrified of winning much and then I'll make it up
(I'm spending my time aligning my life w/ the lines from our savior)
A tougher punch broke a rope to the right speed eludes the words and their meanings sit tight
I broke a word and the pain shone a light; fluttering yellow horse wings won't touch the night
(I'm spending my time aligning my life w/ the lines from our savior)
Firefly chemicals wrecked a ribbon white; a creature-like spectacle has never left my side
The lesson burns if you're terrified to die: Jesus wants to teach you to live your life right

[John thomas Oaks]

Hi Doug,

I'm new to this forum, and I thought I'd take a listen to your WORDS song. Happy to offer some thoughts (since you asked!). Please take all of this with a grain of salt, because as we all know, this lyric and songwriting thing is very subjective and close to the heart. Sometimes it can feel like people are crushing our beautiful babies when they offer their thoughts.

So, here goes.

This is an ambitious lyric, and I applaud your use of imagery throughout. I was surprisingly not distracted by the amount of words. Typically, I'm drawn to songs that don't have a lot of words (e.g. MOONLIGHT IN VERMONT, AMAZING GRACE, PRETTY WOMEN), but the way you've set them in this bluesy context makes it work for me (most of the time). One thing to always be aware of is the conversationality of your lines. Are they easy to say, or does it feel like a tongue twister? Most of these lines are conversational, but some sound difficult to say. I'd suggest asking a different singer to sing the lyrics at the current tempo and having them stop whenever they feel like they're stumbling over a line. When you get that third-party perspective, it'll help you take a closer look at the lines that are awkward and re-word them. Sometimes it's just a matter of changing one or two words, or rephrasing the line, or rewording the thought.

I'd also challenge you to always go for the perfect rhyme. The craft of a song, in my opinion, always rockets up several notches when there are nothing but perfect rhymes throughout. The perfect rhyme is always worth the work. Sometimes it's easy to feel trapped as a lyricist and think, "Well, this is a false rhyme, but it's the only way I can express the thought." Nope. That's a lie from the pit of hell, and I wish all songwriters would stop believing it. You started out your lyric with perfect rhymes, and I was like, "You go, boy!" But you abandoned it in the middle of the song beginning with the lines:

. . .lyrical bright love
. . .expressions rise up

"Love" has never, nor will it ever rhyme with "up." The same is true for:

. . .weaken my faith
. . .re-learn my place

"Faith" does not rhyme with "place."

And so on. True, thousands of songs are written every day that are full of imperfect rhymes (just turn on any country radio station), but it's time for the quality songwriters of this world to rise up and say, "No more false rhymes!" It's a huge issue of craft, and all you have to do is look at the lyrics of Porter, Mercer, Hammerstein, Sondheim and other classic American songwriters to realize that the perfect rhyme is the right choice every time.

The rap section is very interesting and full of vivid images. I really like it, and I think the more I listen to the song, the more I'm sure I'll get out of it. Your abstract ideas really work in this song because you stuck to that conceit from start to finish. It's obviously a spiritual message from the first line, and you carry that message through to the end.

There is always a danger when writing spiritual or political songs that you'll find yourself on a soapbox, and most of the time you end up shooting yourself in the foot. I felt that you avoided the soapbox very well in this song. The last thing I want when I'm listening to a song is to feel like I'm being preached to. If I want to hear a sermon, I'll go to church. But if you can express your thoughts to me poetically without thumping me over the head (like you've done very well in this lyric), I'll listen all day long.

Story: I recently went to hear a band in my hometown at a bar in the old part of town. The first song they sang was an anti-Bush song, and it was full of lines like, "Bush is Hitler" and "Life in Iraq was better before / The stupid USA started up another war. . ."

Okay. If you feel that way, fine. But express it to me poetically a la Bob Dylan or Pete Seeger. I thought I was going to hear a bar band, but I realized I was sitting in a church service, and the preacher was the lead singer. By the time their third song was over, I felt like I had sat through three sermons.

You avoided preaching in this song, you expressed yourself poetically, and you did a good job. A little refining, and this will be a very interesting composition. Congratulations, and thanks for sharing it and giving me the opportunity to write some thoughts. I will re-iterate: PLEASE take all this with a grain of salt. I've got opinions like everyone else, and like the old saying goes, opinions are like armpits. Everybody's got 'em, and they stink sometimes!

Yours truly,
Jt Oaks

[Doug Sedgwick]

JT (I hope I can call you JT),

WOW!
I greatly appreciate your feedback.
As a writer yourself, I'm sure you experience stretches of solitude and self-doubt.
You have done much to help disspell the gloom and I feel in your debt for the insights.
If I wasn't at work right now (shhh, i think I hear my boss coming!) - I'd DEFINITELY be checking your stuff... Later, I guess (I NEED this day gig.)
May your kindness be rewarded TEN-fold in inspiration at your end!
(AND: I enjoyed the story too!)
THANKS,
Doug

[John thomas Oaks]

Thanks, Doug!

Glad I could help. I'm glad you took my comments in the spirit they were intended. I truly only want people to get better at what they do. I'm looking forward to checking out more of your stuff! Let's keep in touch.

Yours Truly,
Jt Oaks

[Doug Sedgwick]

JT -

And continuing in the vein of the good, respectful approach you initiated, I wanted to add:

1) I think it is great you are passionate in your position on false rhymes. It is people w/ strong convictions who bring about great changes in this world and I applaud your stance.
2) Man, false rhymes are are as ingrained in my style as the growl in a Tom Waits vocal line. (I'll never forget the time my daughter asked me why I was listening to a CD from Cookie Monster one day.) And yeah - it gets on my nerves too sometimes - but it is PART of who Waits is, so I have to forgive him. It's like asking Jimi Hendrix to do w/out the feedback or asking Neal Young not to sing falsetto. False rhymes are NORMALLY my stock and trade.
I mean - I CAN still sit down and execute perfect rhymes; and I will - if you commission me to write something for a musical and that is the criteria I have to meet! But I feel like my style began to truly blossom around the time I stopped questing for perfect rhymes... And for the time being - I'm writing PRIMARILY to please me.
There, I've said it and I'm passing that grain of salt back your way if any perceived harshness comes through. (I hope not!) After seeing your resume, I'm frankly a little jealous. But listening to the the music - I have to come away believing the successes are very well deserved. The music kicks, man! You have certainly earned what you've achieved.

Namaste,
Doug